Have you ever heard the term, “I don’t feel loved”, it is an uncomfortable statement both for the person saying it and for the person hearing it.
It implies the person hearing it doesn’t know how to or doesn’t love the other person.
The problem is that statement may or may not be true and grave errors and misunderstandings may occur and lead to wrong choices, because of the accusation of not being loved.
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People will leave churches, because the don’t feel loved
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People will leave communities, because they don’t feel loved
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People will leave marriages, because they don’t feel loved
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People will leave their family or friends, because they don’t feel loved
Feelings are powerful things and affect us greatly, there are feeling of the soul and feelings of the spirit…
I don’t want to address the feelings verses faith issue in this message but rather dig deeper into why people may not feel loved, not by God, not by their church, not by their family and not even by themselves.
When a person is healthy both spiritually and emotionally, not ‘feeling” loved is not really an issue, they can feel the feeling, allow it to pass through them, put it to the test of reasonableness and truth and come to a proper conclusion.
For example – a husband and wife have been in a loving healthy marriage for 30 years and one partner is getting busy with life and work and is unfortunately and unintentionally neglecting their spouse. The love language of the person being somewhat neglected is spending time with their spouse, so naturally they are feeling somewhat neglected, a healthy person will see the situation as temporary, not take it personally and look for ways to ease the pressure on their spouse, to correct the life style issue.
But, if the person being somewhat neglected, has unresolved personal issues, issues like unforgiveness, pain, even grief, their ability to reason and to come to a proper conclusion could be skewed.
The issues they have leave an open door for Satan to walk in and do more damage. Satan seeing the pain… gets into the picture and begins giving his opinion and raising satanic questions like: “Is your spouse having an affair?”,” Clearly, they no longer love you.” “Are they are about to leave you?”…any number of false accusations could be made and false conclusions could be drawn from these Satanic lies and the situation can become both emotionally and spiritually damaging, real feelings both in the soul and the spirit are reacting to the lies of the enemy and also to the emotional and spiritual pain.
So addressing the feelings that come though our soul and spirit is important… those feeling need to be brought into the light, brought to the surface and addressed with truth, with reasonableness and with compassion.
Lets look at love.. where does it come from and how it affects us…
First, God is love, so all pure love comes from God. That love will help us feel secure, cared for, and confident in our relationship with him, and delivers us form unnatural and satanic fear.
1 John 4:15 Whosoever shall confess that Jesus is the Son of God, God dwelleth in him, and he in God. 16 And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him. 17 Herein is our love made perfect, that we may have boldness in the day of judgment: because as he is, so are we in this world. 18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. 19 We love him, because he first loved us. 20 If a man say, I love God, and hateth his brother, he is a liar: for he that loveth not his brother whom he hath seen, how can he love God whom he hath not seen? 21 And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also.
And lets get the Biblical definition of love, the world has so misused this word that it means many thing to different people, and we even see the very definition, perverted in the world to mean something sensual and devilish…so lets get God’s meaning of love.
I Cor. 13:4 AMP Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. 5 It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. 6 It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail]. 7 Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].
8 Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. But as for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for the gift of special knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part, and we prophesy in part [for our knowledge is fragmentary and incomplete]. 10 But when that which is complete and perfect comes, that which is incomplete and partial will pass away. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. 12 For now [in this time of imperfection] we see in a mirror dimly [a blurred reflection, a riddle, an enigma], but then [when the time of perfection comes we will see reality] face to face. Now I know in part [just in fragments], but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known [by God]. 13 And now there remain: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], these three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love.
As we can see, pure Biblical love is beautiful, and something we must all work to not just experience but also to give away to others.
Loving is so important that the commandments on love are the very first and most powerful commandments in the Bible… Jesus has this exchange about the topic…
Mark 12:28 Then one of the scribes [an expert in Mosaic Law] came up and listened to them arguing [with one another], and noticing that Jesus answered them well, asked Him, “Which commandment is first and most important of all?” 29 Jesus answered, “The first and most important one is:
‘HEAR, O ISRAEL, THE LORD OUR GOD IS ONE LORD; 30 AND YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL (life), AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND (thought, understanding), AND WITH ALL YOUR STRENGTH.’
31 This is the second: ‘YOU SHALL [unselfishly] [h]LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ There is no other commandment greater than these.”
32 The scribe said to Him, “Admirably answered, Teacher; You truthfully stated that HE IS ONE, AND THERE IS NO OTHER BUT HIM; 33 AND TO LOVE HIM WITH ALL THE HEART AND WITH ALL THE UNDERSTANDING AND WITH ALL THE STRENGTH, AND TO [unselfishly] LOVE ONE’S NEIGHBOR AS ONESELF, is much more than all burnt offerings and sacrifices.” 34 When Jesus saw that he answered thoughtfully and intelligently, He said to him, “You are not far from the kingdom of God.” And after that, no one would dare to ask Him any more questions.
The topic of love is a large and powerful one and years ago a Christian phycologist and marriage counselor, Gary Chapman, dealt with this issue of couples feeling unloved. He wrote a book that helped some but also did damage to some as well, phycology can help provide some answers to the soul and gives some understanding, but in and of itself it will never heal the issues of the spirit, only God can do that.
For those who used his book properly as a tool to understand how we communicate through various ways it was a great blessing..
From Wedmd – Read the full article below.
https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/the-five-love-languages-tested#1
After 30 years as a marriage and family counselor, Gary Chapman, PhD had heard a lot of couples’ complaints — so many, in fact, that he began to see a pattern. “I realized I was hearing the same stories over and over again,” he says.
When Chapman sat down and read through more than a decade worth of notes, he realized that what couples really wanted from each other fell into five distinct categories:
- Words of affirmation: compliments or words of encouragement
- Quality time: their partner’s undivided attention
- Receiving gifts: symbols of love, like flowers or chocolates
- Acts of service: setting the table, walking the dog, or doing other small jobs
- Physical touch: having sex, holding hands, kissing
“I really do feel that these five appear to be rather fundamental in terms of ways to express love to people,” says Chapman, the director of Marriage & Family Life Consultants, Inc. in Winston-Salem, N.C.
Chapman termed these five categories “love languages” and turned the idea into a book, The 5 Love Languages, which went on to become a huge bestseller. Chapman says that learning each other’s love language can help couples express their emotions in a way that’s “deeply meaningful” to one another.
Chapman’s book changed how a lot of people communicated, not only with their spouses but also their children, their friends, their church group and their communities. It opened the door to seeing others needs and how we all communicate love one to another.
Finding your love languages and the languages of those you love is a fun exercise and can help you to show people love in different ways.
Chapman felt the reason people weren’t feeling loved was because their own love language was not being met, personally I feel this is a grave over simplification of a deeply complexed spiritual problem but it may be a good place to begin the process of evaluating our feelings and bring them into the light.
Spiritual healing is a complexed problem and most people will avoid the issue at all cost.
No one likes to feel that they have issues, but just being human and on the planet produces issues in everyday life for us all.
Our personalities react to different situations in different ways, what could really affect someone can have no affect at all on someone else, and this is where not judging another person comes into play…the old story of walking a mile in someone’s else shoes is so needed today.
To begin the process of loving someone, try first taking off all unreasonable expectations.
The Lord knows why a person reacts and does the things they do, he understands them on such a deep and powerful level, when we don’t understand someone, this is not the time to be drawing conclusions about them but rather it is time to pray for them.
Pray first, that you can love them in the all five love languages, pray that you can love them unconditionally, pray that you can take unreasonable expectations off of them.
Expecting someone to always be perfect, to never sin or offend you, expecting someone to always know what you are thinking and feeling is unreasonable and can even lead to emotional and spiritual abuse depending on the level of expectation.
So loving… based on the scriptures…begins with loving God, and also loving self to be able to love others.
So lets look at the love languages in a new way…
Part 1) Using the 5 Love Languages
to Love God
1) Words of Affirmation:
Compliments or words of encouragement – This is technically praise and worship – the Lord loves your praise and worship… he feels your love when you praise him.
This is why praise and worship is so important, not just to praising him with your lips but praising him in all areas of our lives, so that our actions match our words.
Let Everything That Has Breath
1 Praise ye the LORD. Praise God in his sanctuary: praise him in the firmament of his power.
2 Praise him for his mighty acts: praise him according to his excellent greatness.
3 Praise him with the sound of the trumpet: praise him with the psaltery and harp.
4 Praise him with the timbrel and dance: praise him with stringed instruments and organs.
5 Praise him upon the loud cymbals: praise him upon the high sounding cymbals.
6 Let every thing that hath breath praise the LORD. Praise ye the LORD.
Biblical meaning of Praise
1. (v.) To commend; to applaud; to express approbation of; to laud; — applied to a person or his acts.
2. (v.) To extol in words or song; to magnify; to glorify on account of perfections or excellent works; to do honor to; to display the excellence of; — applied especially to the Divine Being.
3. (v.) To value; to appraise.
4. (v.) Commendation for worth; approval expressed; honor rendered because of excellence or worth; laudation; approbation.
5. (v.) Especially, the joyful tribute of gratitude or homage rendered to the Divine Being; the act of glorifying or extolling the Creator; worship, particularly worship by song, distinction from prayer and other acts of worship; as, a service of praise.
6. (n.) The object, ground, or reason of praise.
2) Spending Quality Time:
Giving God our undivided attention – spend time with him, in reading the word, in prayer, in worship, when the doors of the house of the Lord are open… be there, and be ready to fellowship with the Lord.
Heb.10:25 Not forsaking the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is; but exhorting one another: and so much the more, as ye see the day approaching.
3) Receiving Gifts:
Give gifts to the Lord through the giving of your finances and material possession to his work to support what he loves, as well as giving material things to others, for when we give to the poor we lend to the Lord.
Matthew 25;40 – And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.
4) Acts of service:
Serve the Lord by serving others, setting the table, walking the dog, or doing other small job for those who can’t pay you back.
Matt 10:42 AMP
And whoever gives to one of these little ones [these who are humble in rank or influence] even a cup of cold water to drink because he is my disciple, truly I say to you, he will not lose his reward.”
5) Physical touch:
Taking the time to entertain the spirit of God until you feel his presence.
Create in Me a Clean Heart, O God
(2 Samuel 12:1-12)
1{To the chief Musician, A Psalm of David, when Nathan the prophet came unto him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.} Have mercy upon me, O God, according to thy lovingkindness: according unto the multitude of thy tender mercies blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me throughly from mine iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin.
3 For I acknowledge my transgressions: and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against thee, thee only, have I sinned, and done this evil in thy sight: that thou mightest be justified when thou speakest, and be clear when thou judgest.
5 Behold, I was shapen in iniquity; and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, thou desirest truth in the inward parts: and in the hidden part thou shalt make me to know wisdom.
7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
8 Make me to hear joy and gladness; that the bones which thou hast broken may rejoice.
9 Hide thy face from my sins, and blot out all mine iniquities.
10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.
11 Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me.
12 Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit.
13 Then will I teach transgressors thy ways; and sinners shall be converted unto thee.
14 Deliver me from bloodguiltiness, O God, thou God of my salvation: and my tongue shall sing aloud of thy righteousness.
15 O Lord, open thou my lips; and my mouth shall shew forth thy praise.
16 For thou desirest not sacrifice; else would I give it: thou delightest not in burnt offering.
17 The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.
18 Do good in thy good pleasure unto Zion: build thou the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then shalt thou be pleased with the sacrifices of righteousness, with burnt offering and whole burnt offering: then shall they offer bullocks upon thine altar.
If you have offended the Lord – apologize to him, if you feel he has offended you, forgive him (you don’t know the whole story)
Loving the Lord is easy, get to know him as a person, know what he loves and what he hates, connect with him, and talk with him.
Part 2) Using the 5 Love Languages
to Love Yourself
1) Words of Affirmation:
Compliments or words of encouragement – encourage yourself in the Lord. Remind yourself of Gods love and how he treats you.
1 Sam. 30:6 And David was greatly distressed; for the people spake of stoning him, because the soul of all the people was grieved, every man for his sons and for his daughters: but David encouraged himself in the LORD his God.
2) Quality time:
Take time for yourself to regroup and recoup both emotionally and spiritually.
John 16:15 When Jesus therefore perceived that they would come and take him by force, to make him a king, he departed again into a mountain himself alone.
3) Receiving gifts:
Symbols of love, like flowers or chocolates – treat yourself every once in a while in the natural and enjoy the gifts the Lord has given to you.
Eph 4: 8 Wherefore he saith, When he ascended up on high, he led captivity captive, and gave gifts unto men.
9 (Now that he ascended, what is it but that he also descended first into the lower parts of the earth? 10 He that descended is the same also that ascended up far above all heavens, that he might fill all things.) 11A nd he gave some, apostles; and some, prophets; and some, evangelists; and some, pastors and teachers; 12 For the perfecting of the saints, for the work of the ministry, for the edifying of the body of Christ: 13 Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ: 14 That we henceforth be no more children, tossed to and fro, and carried about with every wind of doctrine, by the sleight of men, and cunning craftiness, whereby they lie in wait to deceive; 15 But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: 16 From whom the whole body fitly joined together and compacted by that which every joint supplieth, according to the effectual working in the measure of every part, maketh increase of the body unto the edifying of itself in love.
4) Acts of Service:
Do something nice for yourself, pay attention to caring for self, decorate your house, make yourself a great dinner, clean out your closet or do other small jobs, rest in the Lord physically and spiritually.
Is 55:1 Ho, every one that thirsteth, come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.
2 Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me, and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness.
3 Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.
5) Physical touch:
Take a warm bubble bath, refresh physically, take a walk in the woods, restore emotionally, and seek the spirit of God and refresh spiritually.
Matt.11:28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
And if you have offended and disappointed yourself, forgive yourself, minister grace and mercy to yourself.
If anyone has offended or wronged you. release them and forgive them – this is as much for you as for them.
Let go of all anger and bitterness and feelings of revenge… it’s exhausting to carry all that weight.
For more on how to free yourself from offences click here
Part 3) Using the 5 Love Languages
to Love Others
This is the way the book was intended, learn the languages, show love to each person you meet through the five love languages.
Matt 7:12 New American Standard Bible
“In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.
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Words of affirmation: compliments or words of encouragement
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Quality time: spend time with those you love and give them your undivided attention
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Receiving gifts: symbols of love, like flowers or chocolates
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Acts of service: setting the table, walking the dog, or doing other small jobs
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Physical touch: hug someone, shake a hand.
